Saturday, 3 August 2013

You've Got A Week, So Drink Up

The fortisips have returned. Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNN!

And guess what- I'm actually taking them. To explain the last bit; last time this happened- just before I was carted off I asked the Pro's for a prescription for some to make them think I was serious about sorting myself out. I did it primarily to get them off my back, buy me some time, a teensy part of me entertained the idea that I probably should take them and at least try. But they all ended up down the sink.

But this time they've gone down me instead of down the sink. Well, yesterday I only managed half because it was the first day of them and they're so damn rich. But still that was 150 calories in a few sips that was not easy to take. As I write I am sitting with the second half of one next to me waiting for me to drink. I need my mum to remind me it is ok to drink it, that it doesn't make me evil or dirty or instantly huge.

I deliberately picked the flavour I hate (banana) because it makes it 'easier' to take. I don't know if you ever feel this way but if you don't enjoy the calories then it is less painful. Don't get me wrong drinking 300 cals in one go is never going to be a rose garden, but if I feel a smidgen less guilty it makes it that little tiny bit easier. It is twisted isn't it? When I was in hospital and I got to the stage where I could pick my snacks I used to pick the horrid, vile, chewing on pebbles fruit and nut packs. To enjoy it would have made me feel I 'chose' to eat it and that I was eating it for the pleasure of taste not function. And that is NOT what a 'real' or 'good' anorexic should do.

When I picked the fortisips I wanted I had a choice between flavours. I very, VERY nearly had an honest to god Gollum moment. I really came very close to blurting out 'the fat cow wants caramel! Fat greedy piggy isn't she?'. I didn't. Wonder what reaction I would have got? But jokes aside; that is how my mind works.

When Vick and Anna went back the other day I was torn apart. I put off and put off going back home because I dreaded what I would find (or would no longer find) and how foul I was going to feel. Unfortunately it wasn't a case of I didn't know how bad it was going to be until it happened. No, I knew from the day she arrived I didn't ever want her to leave me again. Then she did go and it WAS that bad plus more. I came home and felt hollow, empty, and displaced. I had lost my rut- everything was different and wrong. And I was god damn lonely.

But shut up, Katie and man up.

I have chosen to put my fortisips in Anna's little beaker she left behind. It helps remind me why I am drinking it- to get well enough to go out there and ultimately be biologically able to have my very own little Anna.

What I am doing is terrifying me. The thought of losing the bones I have achieved makes me feel sick. I often feel like I am never going to stop feeling the need to be thin. Skeletons are my only route to satisfaction. BUT the prospect of hospital, the prospect of losing everything I have achieved (The Homeless place etc), the prospect of being taken far away from my family, the prospect of subjecting my friends to yet another cycle of this stupid charade, and the horrific prospect of being made to stay longer and get to an even higher BMI than I have ever had to before (this is what I have been told will be the case this time) is all a big fat NO. I will kill myself before I go back in anywhere.

So drink up, chickadee, and stay home.

PS whilst writing this I have finished the other half. :s :#


  1. You're making the right decision, I promise. I'm not letting you go anywhere while there are still cocktails to drink and holidays to plan!
    Bouncy, bouncy, ooh such a good time! ;) Love always. x

    1. I wonder who this devil could be!! :P.

      Well tomorrow is tomorrow and I guess il be tested then .

      much love xxx

  2. I hope you were able to drink everything so that you will not end up back in the hospital Katie... I am sorry I was away, I was and still am quite overwhelmed... but I so missed the blogging world and following the blogs I love so much... yours being one of them... I hope to hear good news....