Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Screw It All

Today is a bad day. I'm tetchy and irritable and probably going to be a right royal arse to family members if I have to deal them today.

I got weighed this morning. So the whole 'Katie not knowing her weight' plan kinda fell through. It was formulated last week because I'd had a fair few loses and they were trying the tack of keeping me in the dark  and seeing if it helped. You see I just can't not know. I feel suddenly completely out of control. So I asked. I'd gained. FUCK. fuck fuck fuck and fuck it all.

I've gained before but today I just felt more fucking angry than ever.

I am not going to sugar coat it to you. I'm in the kind of mood where if people ask me how I feel I am not going to give the spiel I am supposed to give. I am going to give both barrels and let rip. This is not going to be a feel good post, not motivational, but it WILL be god damn honest.

I am sick of this. Sick and tired of everything. I feel like throwing the towel in. What is the point of this 'recovery'. What even IS recovery? Right now it feels like my 'recovery' is me being fat and fucked off about it.

What is better about how I am now than how it was before exactly? You know I even had a job the day I went into hospital both times. Granted I was probably on the last legs of being employed, I lived every day in fear of being sacked. You cannot really be a care assistant in a Nursing Home and turn up for work half starved and shrinking day by day into your tunic and trousers. But still, I technically had an 'adult life'. I still had friends.

Now I have no job and feel pretty damn shit about it. I don't have any more friends than I did before. I'm not fertile. I don't attract boys. I don't do any art work. I am not suddenly full of happy energy because I'm eating more. I still get cold. I probably think more about food than I did before and this in turn makes me feel like a gluttonous pig.

Most of all I am TOO BIG. my BMI is till 'underweight' but what the fuck does that matter. I'm an elephant compared to what I used to be.

What is the point of all this extra fat that's been planted on me? Why did I let them take my bones away? At what point did I think having a rounder face would make me look better?!

I feel angry. Resentful. I am directing this resentment at those close to me. I have done this to please them. I eat to please them. I smile to please them. I carry on being alive to please them. I am sick of pleasing others whilst hating myself and my life.

When I became anorexic I finally found my back bone. I had always been a push over, taken for granted, reliably unassertive. Suddenly I did the equivalent of standing up in their midst and screaming 'FUCK YOU'. Suddenly I made them all realise I am NOT to be taken for granted. I had the power to threaten them with the prospect of my life.

With my body and behaviour I said 'I am the one in control. I will control myself and I will control you. I will do what I want and nothing can stop me. I am invisible. You've all failed me and I am going to break off from you to a place where I don't need family. All I need is my bones.'

I miss this me. I feel a faded version of a previous me. A fraud. A failure. I am a champion boxer who had become lame. I'm chucked out of the ring and I have fallen into the crowd, lost among normal people.

I do masochistic things. I read books about anorexics. I gawp at photos of sick people with stick legs. I call myself names. Fat. Failure. Nothing.

My masochistic behaviours have started making me think things. I wasn't even that thin. Everyone was exaggerating. Properly thin would have been two BMI's lower.

I am beginning to think that the 'next time' I tell everyone will never happen, should. Next time I'll be even better. Next time I'll go to 10. Perhaps I'll get further.

I am sorry for this post. I cannot be strong forever. You are the people I do not lie to.


  1. Do you realise that recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, actually entails weight gain? You can't live being fearful of calories, the scales, and everything else in between. That's merely existing under the grip of anorexia. I suspect you're frustrated because you're no better now a few BMI points above where you've been, than you were. You can't claim to be recovering. It doesn't work like that. So, what are you waiting for? Take this "gain" and build on it in a constructive and positive way. It's pretty clear that you have the strength and determination to do anything you wish; the ball is in your court.

    1. I'm not sure if you are deliberately trying to patronise me with your 'do you realise' approach. All I can say is I have never been under the illusion I could recover fully without gaining weight.

      I think YOU need to realise that people in recovery have thoughts of relapse very, very often. Even several times a day. It doesn't stop them being in recovery.

      I think you should either read more carefully or stop jumping to conclusions because at no point in that post did I declare any intention to restrict or lose weight, I merely expressed the pain it causes to NOT do this.

  2. Katie I can't tell you how much I relate to this
    All last year I gained weight steadily and managed to reach a BMI of 19
    Every time Mary weighed me I cried my heart out when I saw the numbers going up
    Like you I felt like a fraud
    And anorexic imposter
    But then this year I was ill in hospital with pancreatitis and since then I have slowly but surely lost weight

    It's the one thing that gets me everytime, weight gain
    I want to recover but I don't want to gain and I know that I can't have both

    All I can say Katie is that it does get easier
    It won't always be this hard
    I know I'm no one to talk given my own situation but I do remember a time where I gained and was ok with it
    I always try to do the opposite of what my ED wants
    That makes her weaker
    I have no doubt that she wants me dead so it's a fight for our lives

    As a good friend once said to me, 'It's anot a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death

    Choose life Katie
    I believe in you x

  3. Thanks Ruby.

    I'm treating this as a wobble. I'll get back up.

    I absolutely cannot go back IP again so there is literally no choice but to at least maintain this weight and not lose.

    I am aware the more distance I put between me and anorexic behaviours, the easier things will get, but some days my feet are so tired from walking there I stop.

    I will get well i think but it is gonna take time and many wobbles along the way.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx much love

  4. Katie my dear... rant away...I am a relatively positive person but we all have days or time periods where we just need to say how we feel... It aggravates me when someone tells me to just be more positive... yeah... that'll work... not. Judging each other is the last thing we should do, we should support and love each other. I am rooting for you to get through this, you are an amazing and strong girl, I can tell with your writing. Just be yourself and don't give up :)

    I love what Ruby wrote about this being a choice between life and death... choose life <3

  5. sometimes you just need someone to sit with you on your ride to the bad place, rather than trying to make you turn around which is just not gonna happen sometimes. Sometimes you just need to journey to be less lonely.

    thanks for your love xxx

  6. Anon, "you can't claim to be recovering"....


    fucking anons....

    Anyway dear, ignore that ass. Well, this post pulled thoughts write out of my mind and put them in your post. I don't see anyone to weigh or have people ask me, etc, but none of my pants fit me the past few days, so anger and numbness has insued, unfortunately my mom has noticed and tried to go therapy on me. I just wish I could stop being such a burden to people.

  7. Yes they have such a valid point that they cant even put their name to it......right....

    I feel I burden people too, those that I should love the most I end up pushing away to resist 'interference'. It is a deceitful disease and is all the more reason to try and kick it.

    keep on fighting xxx

  8. It saddens me so much that there seem to be so many cruel anonymous posts being thrown around in this community at the moment. Please, please don't let it get to you, because you are worth so much more than that. Your courage and strength are beyond words; some people simply do not realise what it is to suffer an ED.

    As distressing as it is to hear you going through such a bad day, I am glad that you were able to write so openly on here, in a safe place. Your writing is so raw, and so passionate. Letting all of this anger out is such a brave thing to do; I could never be as brave as you!

    Your anorexia is raging inside because you are becoming stronger than the illness. The better you get, the stronger the anorexia tries to fight back, but with time, anorexia realises that you mean business and begins to quieten down. It wants to live, but this means that you will grow ever weaker, and from what I've been reading, you are too strong to let this happen! Let anorexia rage, let it scream and shout and try to drag you down. We will all be here to stop you from falling though. Reach out, like you have here, and you will find an army to help you fight back when you are struggling.

    Keep fighting, always here for you! Sending love xxx

  9. for all the stupid annon comments I have plenty of lovely ones from great people like you so I dont care about them!

    I've always been a quiet person, I dont know if by choice or out of habit, but anorexia has been my suppressed screaming, I need to find a real voice!

    lots of love xxx

    1. I just love your attitude! It's so refreshing!

      I'm a quiet person too, but I know this is a learnt thing because of experiences, if that makes sense? Do you ever remember being anything other than quiet? I can totally relate to anorexia being the suppressed screaming. You have a voice though, and it is beautiful, moreso than anorexia's lies will ever be. Singing in my church choir is helping me find my voice, literally and metaphorically. I hope you let yours shine through! Lots of love xxx

  10. Thank you :)

    This comment started me thinking- DO i remember being anything other than quiet? And yes, when I force myself to think, I do. Unfortunately I hated that me. I was worried it was too loud, brash and uncontrolled. My anorexia toned me down, made me feel more 'acceptable'.

    Oh dear!

    I'll do some screaming for you!


    1. When I think back to the times when I was not quiet, I feel exactly the same as you. It's sad isn't it, because we were probably not how we see ourselves at all. People have told me that I was giggly, chatty and care-free, but I felt too loud, too arrogant, too everything! Do you speak in a quiet voice? My voice can be practically inaudible sometimes! Haha scream for me! Do you ever scream? It scares me!


  11. Oh my god someone the same as me!! thank the lord!

    I am CONSTANTLY told to speak up or that I am quiet, but i genuinely think I cant speak loudly- it feels wrong and like Im walking round in someone else's clothes and that people will laugh at me for it because it just doesnt 'fit' me.

    The last time I screamed was at a theme park- oh my god how glorious!! I wish I could go every day and scream my lungs out.


  12. It feels amazing to know someone who can relate! I'm sorry though too, because I know how horrible it can be.

    Those words could have come out of my mouth - I am always being told to speak louder, or to repeat myself etc. I know right?! It just feels so wrong to raise my voice any louder than it already is *she whispers*

    I can imagine you, on a ride, suddenly screaming. It must have been surreal! Did you catch yourself by surprise? I can't remember the last time I screamed...maybe 4 years ago?

  13. yes, I'm also sorry others suffer as I do!

    It was amazing- get yourself to a theme park, I think it is more cost effective than all the pills I've ever been prescribed!