No, nobody said it was going to
be easy. But nobody said it would be this god damn hard either.
The irony of it is, they were
talking about recovery when they told me it wouldn’t be easy, and I’m not
pretending anymore; I’m not recovering. I realised that recently, or rather
admitted it to myself as reality. There’s no point lying to other people and
absolutely no point in lying to myself.
Then I began to think, have I
ever actually even been ‘in recovery’? I’ve got years of this illness behind
me, god too many years, and they’ve been years of ‘cycles’ of what I have previously
called relapses and recovery, but now I am starting to think about it
differently. Perhaps, really it has just been a straight line with me at
different weights quoting different lines, half believing some of them,
appeasing different people, eating more and then less again.
It has been a depressingly long
time since all this started. My status and condition has been scrutinised by
many people, I’ve been in different hospitals, I’ve been tested and observed by
many ‘professionals’, hopped obediently on and off many sets of scales, been
suckered by numerous needles, popped an array of pretty pills, munched my way
through many a meal plan. My arse has sat on so many different therapists’
chairs its gone numb.
Still, I am not fixed. I am not
recovered.
I have realised one thing
though....
Seeing other people smile,
receiving praise for your struggles, eating more, gaining weight, becoming
‘safe’ or ‘stable’ in the eyes of the medics- this is not recovery.
You know why? Because that is all
about other people. So, theoretically
I was not entirely wrong when I assumed I was ‘recovering’ before; I was
recovering- but only in the eyes and for the benefit of other people.
I have never really recovered for
myself. I don’t think I have ever truly believed that to recover and leave
anorexia behind would provide me with a better life. I have never believed I
could ‘cope’ with life without it. That is what needs to happen before I can
honestly begin recovery. Otherwise it will just be another fake veneer, another
pretty picture for someone else. Another appeasement which won’t last, can’t
last because it’s all just play acting, and the curtains always have to close and
the actors will wipe of their makeup and go home at some point.
So here is the lesson I have
finally learnt...
Recovery is what is in your own
head. It has NOTHING to do with other people. Recovery is selfish; and that is
the way it should be. It should be all about you. Because at the end of the day
it is only you who is going to live in the body you are in, in the mind you
have for the rest of your life. Other people can help you on your journey, but
you have to be so careful that the help, aid and support you accept from them is
to further your quest; not theirs.
Recovery is not the time to
indulge your inner people pleaser.