Sunday, 21 July 2013

WTF did I actually enjoy that???

I honestly thought those few days away in Wales with my family were going to be hell. I was freaked out about the food situation, I was convinced I was destined for feelings of isolation, boredom and loss of control. Basically I was pretty determined to have a shit time.

So when the time came to return and I was actually feeling sad it was an odd sense of accomplishment I experienced. In fact I was revelling in the normality of my emotion. The knowledge that I was having a completely rational, common and simple emotion was such a refreshing feeling. To not be feeling hideously depressed after nothing more than walking through a doorway, or feeling crushed because someone had said how well or pretty I looked, or feel completely freaked out because I was eating five minutes early was so lovely.

I think what made it so successful was the fact it wasn't the entire family. The sister I am most distant with (we basically have no relationship) and her husband (who can be a right twat at times) and her 3 rowdy children didn't come. This made for a much more chilled out atmosphere. Anna (my little niece who is three) is a very un-intrusive child. She is just a lovely happy presence, bobbing about laughing and chatting in her garbled english and chinese.

All in all in our lovely holiday cottage which we rented for the duration there was; Me, mum, my eldest sister sarah, the next in line-Claire and her boyfriend and then my pregnant sister Vicky who lives in Taiwan and her little girl.

There were lots of reasons it was such a happy few days.

The weather was glorious- roasting hot and sunny from dawn til dusk.

Beautiful location- our cottage was huge and luxurious and overlooked the sea. Wales is the land of most of my childhood holidays which were obviously the happiest times of my life.

The company as already stated was actually great. Vicky is calm and gentle, Claire can be very abrasive at times but she neglected to indulge her abrasive qualities for the whole holiday. Kris is a very calm presence and often buffers Claire's potentially offensiveness. He is also an excellent photographer so there were lots of lovely pictures. Plus he is also very calm and laid back and funny. Sarah is a bit like mum- understands every thing I am struggling with, never accuses me or makes me feel bad or forces me to eat. She is forever willing to talk to me and listen. Anna is like a bouquet of pretty flowers in every room or a uplifting soundtrack always playing in the background- she doesn't have to do anything in particular to make you feel less miserable. And of course Mum- always there to understand me however distressed, depressed, awkward, freaked out or just plain fucking awkward I am being. She is like taking your favourite Teddy with you- when you feel bad just a cuddle and a talk to it makes you feel so much better.

Food-I was not at any point forced to eat. I was allowed to go about what I needed to do or not do without confrontation. I don't mean to say people actively ignore me restricting or whatever- just that they didn't get pissed off with it or take the opportunity to press food on me at every turn. I took all my normal foods and special crockery and scales with me so I felt pretty safe with them.

Activity- I have crappy energy levels at the moment and the idea of the usual family walking holiday fills me with horror. However what with the company of a heavily pregnant lady, a 3 yr old and a slightly injured Kris and astonishing heat, it was a very sedate holiday.

So you see- there was lots of reasons for why it was such a success.

The most important factor was without a doubt the banishment of loneliness. What was doubly great was there was not the hideous horizon of stepping right back into the loneliness as soon as we returned. This is because not only are Vicky and Anna staying until the end of the month also Claire and Kris came back with us until Monday. Ordinarily I would hate this prospect- but having such a good experience in Wales has changed my perspective (at least for now).

Don't get me wrong; it wasn't without patches of tough times. It wouldn't be Katie without an teary emotional crisis or two. But with mum on hand it wasn't a disaster and no one made a big deal out of it.

As always I can't help but criticise myself on certain points. In my head I call it 'constructive criticism' rather than just slating myself. I was frustrated with myself that I still felt driven to try and maintain my routine even in that environment. I had the perfect opportunity to take a holiday from it but I chose to bow down to it even there. I took my crockery, scales and 'safe foods' when I should have challenged myself to a few days without anorexia. I could have been more cheery. Once again my report card reads 'satisfactory but must try harder'.

But fuck that- All in All it was great. Here are some pictures (credits to Kris)

In the river at betws y coed, from the left; Me, Sarah, Claire, Mum, Anna and Vicky.

I wasn't murdering her- she had a touch of sunstroke which I was trying to massage away!

Chilling in the shade


On the way to the beach

Author of the pretty pictures :)


  1. I am so glad you had a good time with your family...

    Yes I am sure you had a few stressful days but you for the whole it sounds like a really great time.

    I have been feeling some deep sadness for some time but I am channeling it into walking and eating healthy... this has worked for me for now. I suppose I will have to deal with the sadness soon before it takes me over.

    I am happy for you Katie and your mum sounds wonderful :)

    1. i hope you can face the sadness before it gets on top of you which is scarily easy to let happen.
      Do you have a therapist or counsellor?
      She is very wonderful, I am blessed x

    2. I don't have a therapist... unfortunately... I will just continue to eat healthy and walk a lot...

      I am waiting for my David to come home from vacation.. once he is home we can talk... he always centers me.. almost always :)

  2. I'm so glad you had a nice holiday with your family. It sounds like such a lovely little getaway, and it must've been nice to spend some quality time with your family.

    I also take my safe foods, pocket scales (and spare batteries!), and bits and pieces of crockery and cutlery with me on the rare chance I'm away from home. It makes things a lot less stressful. I worry that not taking them would lead to a worse scenario, though I know I should challenge myself. Maybe try leaving just one thing home next time you go away; for example, take your crockery and scales but leave the safe foods.

    Have a lovely week back home. Stay strong beautiful <3 xx

    1. That's a good idea- to just leave one or two things behind. Would take me forever to chose what exactly!

  3. That's so great Katie, that you were able to go away with your family and enjoy yourself
    Holidays with family can be hard even without the added pressure of an ED

    I was away also last week with family
    I was determined not to let my ED stop me from having fun
    She tried her best to ruin it for me and I did have one really bad day but overall it was a success

    I'm delighted that were able to have fun
    I think anorexia doesn't like us to enjoy ourselves
    So in your face anorexia!

    The photos are beautiful
    I especially like the one of you massaging you gran

    Much love x

    1. Ooo that's a coincidence! where did you go?

      I think it's a very tall order not have at least one wobble so you did extremely well, Ruby!

      It also makes you have hope that you are not truly at the mercy of depression if you are able to feel such 'normal person' happiness.


  4. Yay Wales!!

    I'm so proud of you and what you managed to achieve. I understand there's always that voice of negativity trying to make you think that you could always have done better, but I think you've done amazingly and you should celebrate this! It's something I can only dream of at the moment. Your strength is inspiring!


    p.s. I LOVE your hair! xxx

    1. Angharad!!I completely forgot I was in Angharad country!!
      Right now I just wish I was still away with all those people! Hate the house erggggh!
      Know that they are not dreams, Angharad- you can totally make them happen-whenever you chose- it is taking the leap of faith! So easy to say I know :(

    2. Haha Angharad country! We should meet up if you're ever there again!

      How come you're hating the house right now? In your head, close your eyes and take yourself back to enjoying yourself with your family. Bottle the good feelings you felt when you were away and block the bad feelings you're feeling now :)

      You're right, I feel kind of energised or motivated or whatever the word is, to just go away somewhere, to escape for a while, even if it's just a day. You're amazing!

  5. We so should!!!

    It's more I know I will hate it when Vic and Anna go back to Taiwan- I mean mum still lives here but it is just SO lonely because it seems so empty and cold and echo-y of past memories of when it was full of people and ove. Now there's nothing except my stupid routines. :( :(

    You're far more amazing my dear! xxxxxxxxx

  6. Oh my ♥. Look at you, you are truely gorgeous. The way you smile, dress and write makes me feel warm.