Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Going Out Out

I've never said I am 'going clubbing' or 'hitting town' or 'having a night out'. I always say: 'I am going know- out out'. Somehow people always know what I mean.

So yeah, scary to admit it has been a whole year since I went out out. And this saturday I am intending to re-pop my out out cherry.

I have literally lost count of all the well intentioned, determined arrangements I have made with friends that I have suddenly freaked out over and pulled out hours before. I hate that I am such a flop, such a let down.

You must be familiar with the whole scenario of being absolutely terrified and dreading something even though you know when you actually do it or go wherever then you LOVE it and have an absolute ball. You swear in the aftermath of these wonderful occasions that you will never get in the terrified frame of mind again, you will only look forward to the next time. Inevitably with a few days you have fallen straight back into the immobilised realm of overly proportioned fear and feel even more incapable of ever doing it again.

This is how it is for me with going out out. After a few drinks I am pissed and I am happy as larry, cool as a cucumber. It is the preceding day I hate.

You see I cannot ignore the fact that alcohol terrifies me with its calorific content. I do NOT intend this to be triggering by the way. Because I am so terrified at the prospect of consuming double my daily intake in alcohol I spend the day before starving myself and getting more and more worked up which all too often culminates in snively phone calls of excuses and 'please don't hate me's. When out out's are intrinsically linked to the memories of stress, hunger and fasting induced fatigue you can see how I'm not exactly 'in the mood'.

Now I don't often blow my own trumpet (promise) but one thing I do believe about myself is that I am extremely driven. I am determined and defiant. One way of showing you this is to say that I FORCED myself to go out out when I was rather bloody ill. I gritted my teeth and did it, not every weekend, sometimes not every month, but I still did it.

Going out out when I was so ill was my way of saying 'hey anorexia, I do most things you tell me to do, I sacrifice a hell of a lot for you but tonight you are NOT invited. I'll see you in the morning.' It was to prove to myself and others that I wasn't totally ruled by ana. I have an inherently stubborn nature who just wants to shock and prove everyone wrong all the time. Mostly I have done this by pushing myself to the limits of showing off how I just don't need food to function like everyone else, but out out's are my other way of showing off.

Like I say when I am out I am so happy. When I am drunk I feel free. I feel normal. It's like someone has taken me to the real world, lifted anorexia's veil from my eyes and is showing me what life actually IS about for a 20 year old. For those hours I am part of a human game of dancing, pulling, snogging and drinking.

Right now I feel excited. I bought my new outfit today. But I KNOW I will feel horrid on saturday day time. I wish I could just take a pill and sleep til 9pm and then wake up, get ready and go out without the hours and hours of suffering before.

I cannot pull out again. I WILL go. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Do you have your ways of saying 'fuck you ED' or 'fuck you MH issues?'


  1. Katie... I don't have those issues but I am determined and tenacious... I never ever give up... I can sense this from you too...

    Go out on Saturday, hang with your friends and have a little fun... you deserve it... I hope to hear how much fun you had ;-)

  2. A few weeks ago I went out with my friends even after not wanting to go at all. I was anxious and awkward and felt like I was going to have a horrible time, but I was actually fine. I hope you go out and have a fun time. I know that flaking feeling...but you feel worse backing out than you do going. If it's with people you enjoy, then that's what counts, even if you hate the club or the music.

  3. You go girl! I've only ever been 'out' out once, to a bar on a Sunday night for my 19th, escorted by my older brother and my boyfriend. It seems I did all of my partying when I was underage.

    I definitely understand the booze-calorie fear. I generally keep it minimal the day before, but have something decent just before I start drinking. Nothing too voluminous or it's counterproductive, but something to help keep the booze down.

    You can do this! I can't wait to read all the goss on Sunday ;)

  4. You're all very right and I will update on sunday. I think it is important to keep challenging yourself regularly because it helps you get the grasp of being more flexible in the long term.

    I hope you are all doing ok xxxxxxxx

  5. I'm the exact same Katie
    I get very anxious and worked up about certain things but when the event comes I actually manage to enjoy myself
    I keep having to remind myself that the thoughts of something are a lot worse then the actual event itself
    For the past year I have been trying to muster up the courage to go back to meetings (NA)
    I know it would be good for me
    I know I will feel great afterwards
    But I still avoid it because in my head it will be a disaster

    Enjoy your night out, you deserve to have some fun
    Something that anorexia rarely lets us do

    Take care of you x

  6. I can totally relate to making plans, and backing out. Every. Single. Time. Then comes the guilt and the frustration and the feeling of being a let-down and the empty promises never to do it again. But then again comes and the same things happens. Again.

    You are so amazingly strong though, to fight against anorexia and go out. You should feel so proud of yourself because I know how impossible it feels.

    I know it is easy for me to say, but try not to worry too much before hand. You are prepared. You have an outfit (And I bet you look fabulous in it). Everything is ready. You WILL have an amazing time! I'm so in awe of you!

  7. Hey love! I swore I was following you and found I wasn't. Gah sorry! Here I am now! I don't know if you have this there but I bet you have something similar. It's called Mio and it's a calorie free drink additive that makes your water taste like whatever. What I've been doing is buying vodka waters (super inexpensive) and hiding the Milo in my purse. When the server walks away I put it in. No nasty vodka taste and it's way way less calories.
    His do I say fuck you ED? Put sauce on something or having a bowl of ice cream no purging or restricting. Regular dessert. Or I eat enough that can have a great work out lifting, which I love to do.

    Go have fun and try not to feel guilt. You live only once and you won't remember the calories but missed experiences. <3

    1. hehehe no worries.
      Omg when I first read this I thought you meant a calorie free additive that made water alcoholic haha. Got majorly excited! Anyway it still sounds a good idea.
      I googled it and can buy from ebay so may well get some!