Sunday, 28 July 2013

Could THIS be my new 'thing'?


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So yeah after years of saying I would I finally got inked. And I am so, so chuffed with it. I am already planning my next one!

In other news .......I really do not know what is going on with me.

My moods have been like riding a see-saw with a mind of its own. Or a roller-coaster that I don't remember queuing up to get on. I can't really remember when it started, perhaps about a month ago.

Until recently in my life I had never cried. If I did it was in private. From being tiny to a few years ago I had this inherent conviction that no matter what; I must not cry. No matter the pain; I must not cry. I remember the sensation of a throat on fire, your gut turning to a pit of writhing, knotting snakes as you bit back tears. And for what? To appear 'strong', to be beyond the imperfections and inconveniences of human nature. Tears were a watery weakness. Now it is all I do.

Well my last counsellor would be proud. In our final session he concluded 'We have covered a lot of ground, made a lot of progress....but I do wish you had cried'.

I can sense it coming. I'll be on my carefully rocking, calm nice see-saw like everyone else and then I feel the slight vibrations beneath me. I can feel the tension building up. Then as if caught in a storm it begins to rock. Within half an hour the slight, ominous rocking has escalated to a wild, violent swooping and crashing. My head becomes full of another voice. It tells me everything that is wrong. How big I am. What I am eating and how disgusting that is. More and more voices come in, screaming at me and filling my head so tightly I am sure it will split.

The other day I was in town when it happened and I had to leave every shop I went in because I  felt the tears spurting up. I went into every set of toilets in the Westfield centre and let my tears go, each time hoping it would be the release and that all the poison would have been expelled. Not the case it appears. So I cam home and broke down on my mother.

That was just one instance- it happens all the time.

The thing is when I feel like this I do stupid things. If I was a cutter I would cut. I am not. But only recently have I had access to 'hard' medication. For instance my oh-so-wonderful gp prescribed me that nifedipine to try and help my circulation despite my already very low blood pressure.

When my head is full of nasty voices I get out my little orange pearls. In they go, one more, one more, one more...and wait. Swimming, watery brain inside a head like a cauliflower on a bendy straw. Feet that plod on a ground that feels like cotton wool. It is a distraction more than anything. I messed about with my sertraline too to achieve the same sort of things. Then the other day I unearthed some codeine. Added to my special zip away pocket of release.

Oh and I bought some scales. We're back to the every morning routine. Asking the scales as I would ask a crystal ball if I had one. How will I feel today? Why the FUCK do I do this to myself?


  1. Katie, I cry a lot too... but I think it is a healthy outlet... holding it back has never been good for me. I was on anti depressants for a time a few years ago, I HATED them, I felt nothing... I didn't like feeling nothing....

    I would rather cry when I was sad or frustrated...

    I won't even begin to say I understand what you are going through with trying to control your weight since my addictions were eating whatever ever I wanted, I now eat very healthy. However, I do think I have traded addictions to now exercising a lot and being choosy about what I eat... I think it is at least a much healthier addiction... I tell myself that anyway...

  2. I love it! I have five and I've planned my next two. :) the body is a beautiful canvas.
    Oh hun... I was having the same problem this spring. When I was a teen I would stuff it all down and then I was unable to ever cry because I forced myself not to. Using pills isn't good for you. It destroys your liver and kidneys and it's bad news. Please be careful and maybe look into some anxiety meds? Big hug. I love love love you

  3. Your tattoo is amazing!! Did it hurt though?

    I can relate to the not crying thing. I can't cry, I just can't, even if I wanted to. Do you find it a release at all?

    Please please be careful with the pills, you might end up in hospital on a drip, it happened to me and it's not good. It can really damage your liver. I know it's easy for me to say all this, I know, because in the moment, taking the pills is all you can think of, but you don't deserve this shit, you really are worth more than this.

    Take lots of care, sending you big hugs and much love xxxxxxxxxxx

  4. 1) I adore your tattoo and the placement. shoulder/collarbone is so cute.

    2)I never cry either. the last time I cried was May, the last time before that was February. sometimes that breakdown, that release is needed, other times it feels like hell.

    3) My recent "pocket of release" has been mixing too many pain relievers (ibuprofen or naproxen) with alcohol. So far it does nothing except help me sleep like a rock. Unfortunately, there's nothing stronger around the house (my mother has pills but would notice if any were gone). I know it sounds childish, but it works for me.

    Take care hon. Even with the swinging emotions, hopefully you'll settle with a medium sometime soon. Love you dear, hope the new ink doesn't itch too much.