Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Straws On A Camel's Back

Well what a mean, dirty trick that was!

Today I was spot weighed.

It was a major 'Oh shit!' situation.

My weight had been dropping recently (although I'm pretty sure its slowed down in the past couple of weeks) so the Eagles' eyes have been on me. I am on the very knife edge brink of being admitted. I have avoided it one way or another for now.

Last week I took advantage of my nurse's holiday leave and didn't turn up to be weighed at the ED place. I also conveniently 'missed' all subsequent phone calls to rearrange that week.

What naive, idiotic person thinks they will just get away with that at this stage? Me is the answer to that.

Today I had a family therapy appt at the same place with a different therapist but still part of the ED team of course. As soon as she started speaking I sensed she was going to ask me to be weighed. She did. I said no. She said yes. I said no. She said ok but, Katie we will have no choice but to arrange a MHA. I said WHAT THE FUCK!?

Ever had the experience of having not realised how completely you had buried your head in the sand until someone comes along and rips it out and slaps you. That is what today was. As soon as we came to this confrontation I realised what deep shit I was in. If I refused to be weighed they would arrange a MHA and I doubted my ability to bullshit them into letting me go. I've heard too many stories of how strict they are. Basically most people have given me the impression that a MHA is as good as giving you a Section there and then. People barely ever walk away having 'won' and kept their freedom. So obviously this was NOT an option I wanted to pick. However if I weighed and had lost- well then I would definitely have a MHA and probably sooner. Add into that my general abhorrence of being weighed when I am not expecting it and 'am not prepared'.and you have quite a melting pot of emotions.

I very quickly descended into floods of gasping tears and wailings at the injustice of the situation. My Mum didn't really say anything. The therapist kept reeling off wads of loo roll (yes the place is that stingy they won't even buy proper tissue boxes) and saying things that I didn't want to hear.

For a short while I considered running out of the place and getting the bus back to Derby and doing something stupid. Without too much detail that plan involved lots of purchases from different drug stores and supermarkets and a me walking along with a massive, rattling bag full of over the counter pills.

In the end I ended up stood on the scaled in a snotty, drivelling mess. I argued and won that I be allowed to keep my big sweater on. Seems the angels popped in to visit at this point.

Conclusion- I'd lost but 'not as much as we'd thought'.

Conclusion No.2- I have a week. 1 week to stop this.

So an hour later I was stood in Sainsbury's scrutinising the boxes of Complan mix. I didn't buy it. I told myself I'd get some tomorrow. But tomorrow the first thing I'll remember is not the fact that I must buy said Complan but instead I'll be musing over the 'not lost as much as we'd thought' comment.

I am screwed up. I am tired. I am messing everything up. I am pissing all over every chance I am given.

On top of all of this My sister and little Anna go back to Taiwan tomorrow after staying with us for 3 weeks. I have been dreading this day since they arrived. It isn't the fact that I am not going to see them for years, or at least until I am rich enough and well enough to fly out there. No, it is the massive void that is going to be left here without them.

With Vic and Anna around I feel 'safe'. Safe from myself and safe from the house. I hate the house. I mean it- I truly hate it. I've lived in it all my life and used to call it home. No more. Now it is a shell. Empty, big and cold. I feel lonely and the house personifies this. It was once full, I was once a happy, loved child inside its walls. Now it is empty except me and mum and the walls mock me with their silence. Echoes of the past reverberate from the plaster and bricks.

Whilst Vic and Anna have been here it is like they have been a cushion between my head and the brick wall I smash against. They are leaving and my cushion will be gone. They have filled the house with noise and wonderful, alien mess. Bright toys and childish squeals. As I write this I am crying. I truly cannot bear to let them go.

I'd like to be able to hide myself in the comfort of my friends. But I just feel I will come across as an attention seeker. At some point they are going to get bored of my mental/emotional retardedness. To be honest I often think they already have. I am bored of myself. I wish I could be different.

Tomorrow is going to be beyond hideous.


  1. Oh Katie, I could cry for you... how sad... I am praying and sending out good vibes that you can be strong enough to beat this week and the next...

    1. Katie, I am taking a short hiatus from my blog... I need some real time to go over some issues and changes in my life... Once I am a little more clear headed than I am now... I will be back to catch up with you.. hopefully no less than 2 weeks :) Be well Katie... you are in my thoughts:)

    2. I hope you can work through them and feel stronger. We all need some time in which we dedicate it to our own well being.
      much love xxx

  2. That MHA thing sounds beyond horrible...I really hope you can avoid that. On the feeling like an attention seeker, wanting to be different, having that indescribable void...even with blessings, even with a bed and clothes and family and love, there's still an emptiness. Even in recovery, I sometimes feel more depressed now than I was when I was struggling.

    One week...not sure how much you can gain or maintain, but if it keeps you having some sort of freedom, then do what you need to do. Take care hon.

  3. Don't let your heels dig themselves in too deep. You're worth too much. I felt that way about my house, especially after the divorce. I don't have siblings either. You can't let it beat you, okay? I have no adequate words beyond you are loved and I'll be slipping in prayers for you.

  4. Your comments and just knowing someone is reading how I feel means so much. I mean it- No BS!

    I wish you all the strength you give me


  5. Katie you are in a difficult position
    I hope and pray that you can fight this thing
    Living this way is a half life
    In fact it's no life at all

    I just want you to be ok
    And I truly believe that you can overcome this
    Your strength and bravery shine out of your words

    Baby steps
    Do what ever you can to help yourself

    Sending you hope, faith, courage and a hug x

  6. Aw Katie, I just want to stretch my arms out far enough to reach you and keep you safe in a big hug.

    It sounds like you're going through a real tough time. I've never been spot weighed, but I've refused to be weighed and then threatened with a MHA more times than I can remember, it really is like a punch in the face. You feel cornered don't you?

    I can kind of relate to what you say about your house. I can't call my house 'home' any more. Maybe you could make sure you have lots of distraction ready to keep you occupied when your sister and Anna leave for Taiwan. Go out with your friends - your real, true friends will be there for you no matter what.

    Thinking of you so much, always here for you, please reach out! xxxxxxxxx

  7. You kind words mean so much. Having people that understand is invaluable even if you have never ever met them. People like you are more supportive than a lot of people I know.

    I am cornered. I have literally never felt so trapped.

    Im here for you as you are for me my little welsh pony ;) xxxxxxx

  8. Little welsh pony hehe that made me giggle!!

    I totally get the whole being cornered and feeling trapped. It's more horrendous than words can describe, I don't think people can understand it unless they've been through it. I just wish I could take it away from you, all the bad stuff. Just know that I'm with you in spirit, and you're not alone.

    Huggss! Xxxxxxx