Monday, 8 July 2013

The Worst Kind Of Mind Games

First things first- I want to start off on a positive note.

I did Saturday night! I did it! So proud of myself. I was really uncomfortable before hand-especially when I went back in the evening with the girls to get ready. I felt like an alien, a stupid kid who doesn't really fit in. But when we started getting ready and stuff I felt better and better. I love dressing up- actually thinking 'yeah I look pretty fit compared to usual!' This doesn't often happen!

I said 'fuck it' to the calories after drink no.1 as usual (perks of being a light weight!) and drank freely for the rest of the night. I wouldn't be a very good anorexic when drinking anyway because I hate most typical 'anorexic alcohol choices' like vodka mixes, shots etc- I'm so whimpy I just cannot drink things that taste even a little bit horrible. I drink shots out of necessity but for the rest of the night I am a cider guzzler.

Only disappointing thing was most of my favourite clubs were off the cards because they were too hot or too rammed full and I didn't pull- I usually always do :(. However a club photographer asked me if I'd be interested in some modelling work- more on that later.

Anyway, that was saturday. We are now Monday night. I am suffering more than usual from the worries relating to Tuesday weigh day. I posted after last week's weigh in the elevated emotional reaction to that gain. What with that reaction, my current 'self destruct' mode at the moment and a lot of stress at home at this moment in time; this week wasn't going to be very full of sundaes and chocolate was it.

Here is the only place I can be honest about my intake. This is because I am terrified of telling anyone I have restricted in case I gain. Can you imagine the feelings of shame attached to that? In my head they are thinking 'jesus she UNDER ate and she still gains??' I don't care how many people say that is never what anyone would be thinking- it doesn't alter my conviction that they are. So for you guys; yes- this week I have restricted. I feel stupid saying that because compared to what I have eaten in the past it still seems a ridiculous amount of food to call 'restriction'. I try not to think about what I am still eating because it disgusts me.

Last week I also mentioned that I had consciously drunk more than usual before being weighed. I also explained the feelings of horror on discovery of a gain of 0.5kg. I always vow that I will never do it again because I cannot deal with those feelings of disgust any more.

Here is the problem. My brain is screwing me over. There is half of me (I guess you'd call it the 'rational me') who knows that I am likely to have lost because I have restricted and at this moment in time I absolutely cant afford to lose more because of the proximity of hospitalisation. The other half of me cannot allow myself to see that drinking more could account for the weight gain. Of course anorexia doesn't want to believe this- it would take away her power. If I lost my irrational ability then anorexia would lose a major part of her hold on me-perhaps she would fall off all together, who knows. She tends to have her claws in other places you didn't realise she knew about.

It seems as if this rational part of me only visits on weigh day. She sweeps in and tries to save me for another week by making me water-load. Unfortunately she leaves as soon as I step on the scales- I really could do with her sticking around rather than leaving me at the most vulnerable point. Instead anorexia takes her place and this results in a week of 'reparation' and compensation.

Today I made myself properly think about my fears and feelings. I made myself imagine how I would feel if I gained. Then imagined how I would feel if I had lost enough for them to make an Assessment. I don't mean it was a quick consideration of each scenario- no, I forced myself to walk through the emotions like a drug-trip fantasy. All the real sensations swept over me and made my stomach churn. The result was constructive in a way- I am able to say that the latter scenario was worse. This is how I know what I have to chose.

I just feel so TRAPPED. Thoroughly trapped in my own prison. I have made the walls, the cells and the chains. I have no idea how to escape. Or perhaps I do know deep down but it is just too terrifying to allow myself to contemplate.

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I doubt I will water load again. This will terrify me too because I will have absolutely no get out explanation if I do gain.

Please don't let me have gained. Please don't let me lose too much. Please just let me out of this cruel game.


  1. Sweetheart, I feel for you. It's horrible not know whether it'd be better or worse to gain or lose. I often do the same thing, slowly walking through scenarios and outcomes and feelings in my head. The scenario that leads to assessments and admissions is always the worst, but sometimes I seem to forget that.

    I'm glad you made it 'out' out on Saturday. I've always been a vodka girl myself, though recently I've been sticking with high alcohol % wine to keep volume down. Though I figure I don't drink often enough to worry *that* much about the calories when I do.

    You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow dear *hugs*

  2. First off Katie, can I tell you how proud I am that you went out with your friends Saturday... it sounds like you had fun...

    Second I'm sorry you're stressing... I think that very few of us actually see ourselves as we really are...

    I hope you don't lose ... I know that won't be good for you...

    I think we all need to love ourselves a little more than we do... much easier said then done...

  3. I always feel the same about gaining/losing weight! I am absolutely terrified of gaining weight... Even if it's just 0.1kg... But the other part of me knows that losing more weight is not good for me... I feel like I'm always stuck between two choices: be thin and sick, or be healthy and fat.

    I'm glad you went out on Saturday and had a good time :) really proud of you!

    1. Thats exactly how I feel. I think the OCD part of anorexia just loves numbers. Really didnt help went they went metric- a pound is such a round number- now they divide even that tiny amount up into even teenier amounts!?

  4. So well done girl for fighting anorexia and going with your friends
    That is a huge step and something that I would love to do
    I think our ED's don't want us to have fun and enjoy ourselves
    It wants us alone and miserable
    I love that you don't let your ED affect your relationships with your friends and your ability to have fun

    I can relate so much to the weight issue
    I also gained weight last week but to day when I was weighed I had lost it all
    Part of me is happy (the ED part)
    But like you say the rational part of me knows that it is not good
    That I am on a slippery slope that is so hard to climb back up
    I know that you really don't want to go to hospital and that is my motivation at the moment
    Whatever it takes at the moment, to not get any worse

    Keep fighting Katie
    I believe in you and have every faith in you
    You can do this
    I just know you can

    Much love x

  5. Hey there beautiful! I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I know how it feels to be trapped in the cycle and wanting out but wanting to stay in. I'm thinking of you sweets. Try your best to climb out. I don't want to see you in the hospital. <3