This Game of Gain

Recently I'd been thinking that I didn't know what was worse/better; losing or gaining on weigh day. This is because over the past weeks I've lost a fair amount, and this drip drip effect has led them to call meetings to discuss at what point they would assess for IP admission.

If you could know how I felt when I was incarcerated at the last unit you would understand the sheer horror of contemplating another cycle of treatment. I am not exaggerating when I say I would seriously feel like doing something very dangerous if they decided to send me back somewhere. Last week I was on the cusp of the cut off BMI, which did panic me.

It is a testament to the power of anorexia to state the above facts but then say that all that was still not enough to stop me restricting all last week. Having taken that decision I knew I would have to consume more liquid before weigh in which was at 3pm.

I've done this before, many times. Because my weigh ins are fairly late these days I don't do the manic bottle after bottle style tanking I have employed in the past. Instead I just drink steadily more throughout the day. You see I usually consume nothing before weigh ins, so today I just drank my normal amount which is to other people- quite a lot.

So I was expecting a gain right? That's what I thought too. So how come when she told me I'd put on 0.5kg my heart seemed to fall out my arse? Devastation on a grand scale. Feelings of disgust, shame, anger, horror and general foul faced shittiness consumed me. As usual on a gain day the session is wasted with me asking and asking the same questions 'but how? But why? I haven't eaten my meal plan so HOW??' Of course her answers of water retention, fluctuations etc don't comfort me.

 After our session I stand in the hallway and call my mum. I wail at her down the phone in floods of tears. In the end I cry myself quiet and go for my bus, convinced I wont reach Derby without another embarrassing outburst. I do though and now I'm just heavy with pure SADness, not crying, not talking, just marching with a face like thunder.

This week anyone who sees me restricting and tells me to eat will most certainly get both barrels of my emotion. I will savagely snipe at them that they can shut the hell up because I am a clearly a big fatty who has gained even when I restrict so why the fuck would I eat MORE? I will accuse them of lying to me when I ask them how I look. I will push people away and turn all this badness inwards on myself.

I haven't told anyone that I have altered what I drank because ......because.....to be honest I don't even know. I did it to alter my weight. But it always backfires. I always end up thinking it wasn't really the liquid but ME that added the weight.

Arggggg I am so full of badness and panic and dread for next week.

Has anyone else experienced weight gain when they have restricted? :(