Sunday, 16 June 2013

The Night Before The Morning To Come

Ohhhhhh so full of nerves and discomfort. I really do hate feeling like this.

I should explain my nervy, agitated state- I have my first proper shift at the Homeless Hostel tomorrow. I've been out of work so long, over 7 months, that I am utterly terrified of the prospect of even volunteering. I used to get very nervous about going back to work after just a couple of days off so imagine how this feels.

I am so full of contradictions. My whole personality is one big contradiction. A part of me will be striving for something tooth and nail whilst the other half tries to tear away from it. Tomorrow for instance. I know in my heart of hearts, somewhere deep down in the stew pot of confused wants and aspirations there IS a desire to move upward, to try and lift out of this world of 'safe' habits and rituals. Yet I feel compelled to follow my routines because they are what I know. I will be 'safe' and unhurt if I don't venture outside the perimeters of my little bubble. Yet more and more frequently it is as though a flash light has been shone on me as I bumble about doing 'my little necessary rituals' and shows me that they ARE compulsions and no longer just 'preferences'. For a long time I didn't question what I was doing day in day out, always the same because I genuinely didn't see it as abnormal. Now I do. It makes me feel trapped. The feelings of entrapment, which are all the more alarming for being something I have created, make me panic. The panic makes me do things like forcing myself to apply for voluntary work at the Homeless Hostel even though it terrifies me.

I guess opening myself up to the unknown world of potentially harmful things is actually less terrifying than looking into that void of black that could be my life, where nothing new ever happens and I never change, I just stay in the same circles and places. I'd much rather die trying to escape than live in a perpetual half life with no feeling at all.

I'm not very good at listing my attributes. This is annoying because when people want to help they always want you to acknowledge them and seems to think its an acute state of modesty that you refuse to do so when in all honesty you truly think you have virtually none. Some days just plain none. However I do usually find myself thinking I am determined. I can certainly remember feeling determined, often ridiculously competitive. Then I remember that to be Anorexic you must be pretty damn determined. But I know I AM also determined, not just the anorexic me. I remember getting highs when I raced in the swimming club; the absolute impossibility of failing. I remember when I used to rock climb, throwing myself again and again at Routes until I completed them even when my fingers were raw and my limbs dead. I hope I keep my determination. I hope it helps me tomorrow.

I know that tomorrow I will do what I do in all scary situations- pretend to be someone else. I have done it in these kind of situations for as long as I can remember. It is about self protection. I hope that I feel shielded by the mask I create and act with. I hope that this person will be better than the real me. I hope they will be more liked, more sensible, have more common sense, smile more, do the job better than the me cowering behind the painted face. I'm like a child at a dress-up box. I always pick a real person to emulate. I pick them to fit the situation- matching up their qualities and attributes for the demands of the situation. They say you should be yourself. I do not like myself right now. So tomorrow I will try and try to be someone else.

God I don't want the morning to come. My shift is 8-12.

I am trying to look beyond. At 2 o'clock I'm meeting my lovely friend for guess whats?? COCKTAILS! I am so excited. Only one. I'm going to chose one I actually LIKE the sound of though, NOT the one I think will be lowest calorie. Although if it mentions 'cream' that might be pushing it haha.

Last night I had a horrible dream about doing something terribly wrong and being sacked. The feelings of crushing shame and failure.

Shit I'm nervous.

Arg. Night!


  1. Good luck Katie.. I hope the day goes well for you... I know it will be stressful...

    I wanted you to know that I have made some major changes in my life since you commented on my blog a few weeks ago. You were one of the people who inspired me to make those changes.

    It has not been easy, there are many times I just want to throw the towel in and say forget this... it's too hard to deal with reality... I have been stressed and sad but I have been free to feel these feelings as difficult as they are... without covering them.

    I have been the master at covering my emotions... at least I always thought I was... lately I see that all I was do was hiding, which cut me off...

    I too am determined and competitive... when I set my mind to something, I don't give up until I attain it... Sometimes it is a good thing... other times it could control me, I am forever walking on a tightrope...

    I look forward to reading about how your first day goes... I will be sending out good thoughts for you:)

  2. Eurgh I hate that horrible anxious/nervous/panic feeling too. And I'm exactly the same about contradictions!! I want a job more than anything because before I got too ill I used to be a massive workaholic. But at the same time I'm terrified because I feel useless and terrified of screwing it up. I'll be thinking of you today and I know you'll do a fabulous job!!

    You're right, anorexia's habits, rules and rituals become the norm and we just carry them out without question, so it becomes confusing and frustrating and despairing when that fight is going on in our heads when we start to challenge the anorexic thoughts. So I just want you to know that I think you are so incredibly amazing for finding the strength and courage within yourself to apply for the voluntary work. I am literally in awe of you!

    I can really feel your determination flying off the page and I have every faith in you! Your strength is inspiring!

    If pretending to be someone else gets you through the scary situations, then I think that's ok, because it's YOU pretending to be someone else, so it's still You deep down. Loads of people pretend to be someone else so don't feel alone like this! It's a safe coping mechanism I think for you!

    Ooooh cocktails! I hope you really let yourself enjoy it without anorexia trying to chip in and spoil your fun! Can't wait to hear what you have!! Am smiling for you! So you're over half-way through your shift now, am hoping you're actually enjoying it! This is your step up to great things!!