Friday, 14 June 2013

Now please turn your attention to Exhibit B as Exhibit A would like a little privacy while she fucks everything up

I'm pissing about.

The past week or so has seen me squirming and flinching from various people. Ok, so it's just been family to be honest. I've taken refuge in my friends.

I'll be the first to say that. I'm not in denial as everyone seems to think. It seems everyone thinks I have no idea where this could lead. Wrong. You see I am in the driving seat and the wind-shield is perfectly clear- I know exactly where I'm driving to. Driving back to. Except there never is 'back' to go to- I never recapture the place I left when I am forced to leave my anorexic world. Every time I have relapsed it has been because I want to be back in the place I was before, mentally, emotionally, physically, because I am convinced that is the way to happiness. Absurd. Yet I'll still try to time travel in the time machine of bones.

It can be very confusing when you are in recovery. Half the time when you 'trip up' people will say 'you mustn't be too hard on yourself', 'You're bound to fall off the wagon from time to time', 'You will have slip ups'. Then the other half of the time people are drumming things like 'You must not be tempted even for a moment', 'old habits are just around the corner', 'You cannot afford to slip back'.

I've been telling people over and over this past week that 'I'm just having a wobble'. Between me and you I don't really think it can still be called a wobble after a week. Speaking for myself; I know it only takes two consecutive days of some form of restriction to become a precedent-a trend I am compelled to follow...and inevitably reduce further.

Imagine there are a set of huge flood gates, behind them they hold an incredible mass of water (this being the enormous weight of suppressed ED behaviours), imagine trying to open on of these gates just a fraction, intending to just release a little water to lessen to tension. The minute you unlatch the gate the power of the water would just be too strong, it would force the gate wide and all the water would try to gush out. But to everyone else 'don't you worry- I'm just having a wobble! K?'

I knew something was going rather wrong when I got weighed. Not because of the figure on the scale but because of my reaction. I got weighed- I had lost- given my present mind set you'd guess I'd be contented, even pleased. No. I was actually disappointed. Nearly straight away I thought 'that is not enough!', 'Must do better'. Oh dear, bad sign.

Whilst this 'wobble' has taken hold, I've been increasingly keeping certain family members at arms length. In my head I'm dying to say 'please, just leave me alone to get on with losing all this stupid weight. I'll be a good daughter when I'm all properly thin again'. I say this is what I want, I wonder what my reaction would be if they did all bugger off and leave me to it? Would I be like the crying child who, when all the adults turn away and carry on talking, actually shuts up because it realises no one cares? Sadly I think not. I think I'd just feel terribly lonely and unloved on top of feeling fat. That's the crux of Eating Disorders- they will carry on happening no matter what. I seriously think if we were told that the world was about to end in the next day I would still restrict in my last hours of living. After a while of having an ED you don't bother to try and fathom your compulsions, you just lie back and accept them.

People invariably make the same mistake with me. When I go through a bad patch- like now- they always try to seek out 'what has gone wrong?', 'has something happened?'. You know what- it is completely the opposite. I relapse because NOTHING is happening. Anorexia comes out when life settles down, when I get bored, when I feel hopeless and the world looks empty. In other words; whenever there is a space; anorexia will fill it. When other people get bored they might browse for tickets for holidays, festivals, whatever. Me- well I starve myself. Its's great fun you know and you don't even need to buy a tent! This is a joke by the way. It is NOT fun. It's the most self destructive past time I know and yet it is the only thing I turn to.

I know I'm eating under my calorie allowance but I cant bear to tot up calories consumed in each day when I do restrict. I did do it in a fit of masochist impulse and I just felt awful. I cant bear to think how MUCH I am eating compared to what I used to eat. In the time before my last admission I'd settled at around 200 calories a day. I don't even remember it being an effort to get to that number. It just happened; nipping and skipping  here and there. In the end I end up too fucking exhausted mentally and physically to face getting my food because it was never as simple as 'getting the food from the cupboard or fridge' like normal people. Any food I ate came with a whole complex ritual of preparation and measuring and I just ended up not being able to face the effort, therefore I ended up not really eating much.

Christ I feel like right now I'd love to be an Ostrich. Primarily for their habits of burying their heads in the sand which at the moment seems hugely appealing! Stick my head under all that sand and let the shit hit the fan in the world above and I would remain blissfully oblivious. Also I would be able to outrun pretty much everyone-very useful- and also I would finally have skinny legs again!

I guess we'll find out if this is a wobble or a relapse. Or perhaps I just need a good slap.

On the up side I just bought a lovely summer dress, then I remembered I live in GB and we don't have summer doh!


  1. That's such a cute dress!!! I love it! Your hair as well, very cute. I get the space filling took up so much of your life, that when you don't know what to do, your mind sort of automatically wanders there. Take care dear.

  2. I think sometimes it can take a while to figure out if a wobble's becoming a relapse. I'm in the camp of "lapses and relapses are to be expected". For whatever reasons, we're all going to be attracted back to our eating disorders at some point or another.

    I love the dress! And your makeup and your hair. I'm sure you could rock it with a warm cardigan and make it an all-weather outfit.


  3. I can relate so much Katie
    I remember when I was in drug treatment they used to say that a slip/relapse happens long before you pick up the drug
    It starts with a trigger, a thought that turns in to a behaviour
    I think the same can be said for EDs
    A lapse feels like it comes out of the blue
    But if we backtrack we can probably find the cause

    It's never too late to get off the train
    To close the gates

    Love your new dress x

  4. Thank you guys, you're all so lovely,

    I THINK I am 'lapsing'. I hate the fact that I will only decide 'what I'm doing' on tuesday when I get weighed. If I gain or stay the same or lose minuscule amount- well then I'll get worse. If I've lost I hope I'll get back on track..... I guess time will tell


  5. Katie... I feel like anything I say couldn't help....

    Although I totally understand the feelings and emotions that can trigger us to either eat or not eat... use or do whatever we do to cover the pain.

    I am a master at covering pain... or at least I thought I was...

    I hope if this is a relapse that you will find a way to get past it... you are an inspiration to me girl... I love when you write, I know it will be open and honest. I love that you don't hide your feelings...