Tuesday, 20 August 2013

High Hopes and Expectations

Hopefully this will be a brief-ish post because it is late and I'm tired but I felt I really needed to update this, especially because I'm going away for a couple of days.

First things first; today I had my interview for the Access Course I hope to get on which, if I do well on, could, fingers crossed, get me into uni so I can study Journalism.

I've been shitting it all week. I kept revisiting the course specifics and requirements and each time I seemed to see more areas and stipulations that I was sure I wouldn't fulfil. By this time last night I was panicking a fair bit that I would arrive and be completely stumped and have a mind-blank. I was sure that my usual 'bullshit my confidence until I believe it as well as them' approach would flop on its face. Plus it didn't help that when I was gathering all my certificates together yesterday I discovered I haven't got my AS certificates. I have never needed them before now. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if a reckless 18 yr old me didn't chuck them out in an act of self mortification and shame. I'm clinging onto a hope that I just never picked up the officials although I can't honestly remember ever being contacted to do so. Anyway I'll sort it...I hope.

To cut a long story short the interview went a lot better than expected. What I thought would stand in my way actually worked in my favour. I left with an offer of a place on the proviso that my maths and english screening tests are good, but the interviewer assured me that from what she could see of my academic history I shouldn't have too much to worry about there. Rest assured I will still worry!  I have to wait for a letter to tell me when to go for the tests and enrolment is on the 29th. Finger, toes and other extremities crossed for me please!

Also, tomorrow I'm off to London to stay with my sister and her boyfriend. I'm going with mum because Claire is taking her to the Proms for her birthday present on Thursday night. I am to be left with her boyfriend the whole frikkin evening!? I like him a lot, I think he is lovely and all that jazz but we don't really...well...gel. There is nothing bad between us- the problem is there is nothing between us! I never have the foggiest about what to talk to him about and he (in the classic style of the male race) feels no obligation to create conversation. But I HATE awkwardness. My solution is usually alcohol and night clubs...somehow I don't think that tactic will be appropriate on this occasion. God knows what I'm going to do with him.

Anyway, awkward men aside, I have taken rather a big decision for me. I am going to London for two nights and I am going 'naked'. I.e: No special foods (except my evening meals), no portable kitchen scales, I won't weigh myself there, I'm not taking any special crockery, I'm not taking any 'safe' foods like a bag full of sugar free jellies, lettuce, cucumber, fat free this and that.

I would normally arrive for even the shortest visit with an inventory of all my 'essentials'. The last holiday I had taught me this is a mistake. No one else has a problem with it, everyone accepts it as 'me'. This no longer helps, in fact I realised it bothers me that anorexia has been accepted as part of me. Over recent months I have been more aware and consequently more frustrated and upset by the hold my strict rules around food and routine has on my behaviour and life. When I went away to Wales I saw it as a time where I would escape routine and my life for a few days. I didn't consider that by taking ALL my 'comfort' things and foods with me I was obviously planning to try and instil that very routine I wanted to get away from in this new and fresh environment. Thus I contaminated it as soon as I arrived with all my paraphernalia.

When I got home I was full of frustration and anger that I had wasted that opportunity to show myself I could cope without all the things I revolve my day and nights around. I could have had a little taste of what independence could be like. Don't misunderstand me- I know I wouldn't magically be a normal, happy person and for those days not be an anorexic. I wouldn't suddenly sit down and join in with the BBQ sausages and creamy puddings. But I would have had my own little victory and that in itself would be a massive step.

So tomorrow I am doing what I should have done then. Yes, I am very apprehensive. Yes, the jellies will be calling me from their cupboard as we leave. But god damn it they're all staying there!! I want two days that I can say I managed without things I have fallen into the trap of relying so heavily on.

Wish me luck!! Night Night Pumpkins!


  1. Good luck Katie, I have faith in you that you can handle two days :)

    Also, I am wishing you luck with school, I can't wait to hear that you were accepted :)

  2. So well done on your interview and getting your place!
    That is so great and especially because you were so nervous
    You have more courage than me girl
    I would just love to go to college or do some sort of course but my good friends fear and anxiety are standing firmly in my way
    I think you would make an amazing journalist
    You are a gifted writer

    Oh golly, I hear you about going away
    I usually come armed with my own supplies too
    I'm away at the moment too
    No scale (which is driving me nuts)
    I was tempted to weigh in a chemist yesterday but it was just too public a place to do something that I consider to be quite intimate

    Have a great few days with your sister
    It's so hard to let go of control but once we do it is so freeing
    You won't know yourself

    He he, I hate that when there is awkward silence
    Can you arrange to do something that night?
    Maybe see a movie or rent a dvd (less need for talking)

    Enjoy yourself Katie
    Can't wait to hear all about it

    Much love x

  3. I'm starting an Access Course too in September! Woo, Access girls together! Massive congratulations to you!

    I had to do those Maths and English screening tests too - I know you'll still worry, but seriously, they are a piece of cake! (Bad metaphor, sorry) I got full marks i the English and 2 wrong in the maths, which shows just how easy they are - you'll do really fine!

    I hope your London trip is ok, and not as awkward as you anticipate. And I think you are just incredibly brave for going 'naked' as you say. I don't think I could do that, especially without scales. Actually, I can't go away full stop, so you are just leaving me in awe here!!

    Thinking of you! Xxxxxxxx

  4. I am just totally praying I get on mine. I'll die if I dont!
    What course are you doing? What would you like to do with it after?
    You're so lovely! <3

  5. I hope you keep we, your dear readers, updated on the enrollment front. It sounds like an exciting development in your life.


    Oh and please understand that this representative of the male race, in the classic style of the male race, is simply wishing you well, and curious about how things will turn out, and not trying to start a conversation. :)