Saturday, 17 August 2013

Is This The Voice Everyone Talks About?

So many people with ED's talk about 'the anorexia' (in my case) having a distinct separate identity to themselves. I hear a lot of 'but the anorexia/but ana was telling me...' 'ana doesn't want....' and they seem to identify it as a definite different/alien part of them.

I have had little or no experience of this. That statement fills me with doom because inside when people tell me 'but it is anorexia that wants that, not you!' I am left nodding quietly but inside thinking 'I wouldn't be so sure...I'm pretty sure there is only one person in my head'. I am afraid it isn't as simple as conquering the anorexic voice because what if it isn't ana- it is just me? What if I AM ana?

So the idea of irradiating ana is pretty scary if I'm honest. What would be left if ana was exorcised? Just a fat shell.

Anyway I wanted to make this post as an experiment. This morning I am making some decisions and I would like to try and describe it where there ARE two identities fuelling my thoughts. I sort of hope that seeing it in the screen will make it magically clearer. Perhaps make me hope that perhaps there is someone else inside.

I should explain quickly the situation with me taking my fortisip:
           When I have my prescribed fortisip I have to have it as soon as I'm up. In the past, if mum knows she wont be here she has left me a long note reminding me the importance of taking fortisip and encouragement, sometimes she even takes a bottle out the fridge and puts it on top of the laptop. She knows what time I get up and usually texts me to see where I am at with taking it. This doesn't make it easy but it makes it a lot 'easier' if that makes sense.

I lie in bed brooding about whether to weigh this morning or not. There is a voice telling me I should because it hopes the number has sorted itself out after yesterday's 1kg gain. I think that must be Ana Another voice telling me not to because if it hasn't done what I want I will feel shit and it will colour my whole day. I guess that's Katie.

I go to the toilet, I strip, I drag BOTH sets of scales out and weigh, double check on the other set. Fuck. I'm only down 0.5 kg. Not good enough at all. Ana is angry and Katie is upset and disgusted.

Pj's back on, go downstairs. I know my mum is out until twelve and it is only 10am. There are no texts on my phone from her, there usually is by now- telling me/asking me about fortisip. There is no bottle put out. There is a tiny envelope, that's all. I open it. It is a very tiny loving note but all it says is she is proud of me. 

It is so lovely but inside Katie screams 'IS THAT IT??' Katie is so angry. Katie wants to take her fortisip. Ana jumps in and laughs and says 'Hahaha fat cow- you were looking forward to that vanilla milkshake weren't you, fatty?'  Katie says 'I will be starting a habit of not having it then I will lose weight, it will happen, and I will be back to the same situation as a few weeks ago where I am threatened with a forced admission to hospital'. Ana says 'don't be stupid, you gained 1kg from NOT having it those two days so do you seriously think HAVING it is a good idea???' Katie says 'But what about the low weight I achieved when I had been taking it??' Ana replies 'Fluke! pure fluke. The only weight gain that is really believable is weight gain. And you still need to get that gain OFF!' Katie is despairing with Ana's refusal to believe it will end inn hospital. Ana carries on 'That figure on the scales is revolting. You first need to lose that kg then you need to lose about another stone to be anything NEAR good enough'.

There. I'm still not sure I believe it but I am more inclined to do so now. I still struggle with the fact I worry that I take fortisip because I like the taste- like a milkshake (and imagine how long it is since I had one of them!) and not because of it's other benefits to my life. This makes me feel a fraud because everyone is telling me I am drinking it to stay well, inside I'm thinking 'if only you knew...'

Oh god I'm a mess. It seems the facts are thus; I can never quantify recovery unless I am constantly being told to do so. I won't eat unless I am told to. Why am I so twisted?

I am so full of hopelessness.

How can I ever recover if I am only doing 'recovering' things when I am told to do so. Surely it has to come from within?

I guess this is what is so different about trying to do this at home and not in a ED unit. I hate them but you know every single day you have no choice but to eat. The voice telling you not to is forced to be quieter, at least for that time. But as soon as your alone it unfurls, starts sniping at you until its as loud, if not louder, than ever before. Well that's the case with me anyway. With all the successful ED people they tell it to fuck off. It still snipes, but it isn't as loud or as powerful as their own voice.

I don't quite know if this post makes sense or is even a 'post' and not just a jumble of this mornings bad thoughts. So apologies if you've read this far and are confused or feel you've wasted your time!


  1. You make perfect sense Katie
    I can relate
    I made the decision to get well at home too and it's tough, really tough
    You have to be so motivated all the time and it's hard to sustain that

    As regards the voice
    I do have another voice in my head
    It 's the voice that tells me I am fat, ugly and worthless
    It tells me to restrict and purge and take drugs
    I literally go around telling myself to shut up
    Yes, I am that crazy person you see muttering to them selves

    I can also relate to the weight gain
    I also gained 1kg in the last few days
    Cue mini meltdown

    Hang in there Katie

    Sending you love x

  2. You didn't waste my time Katie... I feel where you are coming from. How terrible it must be for you not to be able to enjoy anything without the feeling that it is wrong. Keep fighting Katie, I see a strong girl inside, not willing to give up...

  3. Stay strong, eating will make US better! Every time we fight Ana, we free ourselves. She's not our friend! But I know how hard it is not to listen to her "promises".

    Keep fighting!

    Lots of love from Germany ;)