Friday, 16 August 2013

Trapped and Slipping- Who is really winning here?

My mood has been drip, drip, dripping recently. A gradual slide towards this morning's crowning glory as I stepped on the scales- A gain of 1kg. Tears. Panic. Disgust. Injustice (I had not had my fortisip for the past two days so WHY has it leapt up??)

I think my biggest fear is loneliness. Pretty confident in saying that is my biggest fear. Consequently I am very sensitive when it comes to thinking and talking about friends and socialising. I am constantly scared that I am going to lose them because of the way I behave. I need them. Without them I'd kill myself because having friends and relationships is my only way of measuring my own worth, or just my existence at all. I don't have many friends. I don't have the lose sort of network of 'casual' friends a lot of people my age do. Generally my little bunch of friends are my best friends and anyone else I talk to who is not them I class as an acquaintance.

I beg you not to think I am being dismissive or ungrateful or anything like that. How many times have I heard 'it is quality not quantity' and generally people telling me they'd kill for 4 great friends instead of lots of superficial ones. And I swear to you I would not give up the ones I have for anything, ANYTHING.Thing is, the people who quote the 'quality not quantity' probably have never been in the situation of only having those small group of best friends so have no real idea what it feels like. I'm sure to them it's not all that terrible and I should just buck up. But it stings. And these past few weeks have been a chain of angry wasps and I'm getting very sore.

Now, I severely doubt there is anyone out there with an ED (or many other MH issues) who hasn't been told (or asked themselves) who is in control- them or the illness? The inevitable reaction ensues; sufferer bows head, sighs and admits it is the illness controlling them. We are used to the idea of every decision having to be vetoed by your ED, very much aware that most choices are alter motivated. You no longer are excusing yourself from a social situation early to go and clean a genuinely messy house- you are now bowing to anorexia and leaving because food is going to be involved and your thinness may be at stake and that is the most important thing right now. YES! I am not denying that happens all the frikking time.

However, I have a dilemma. After having a MH issue for a long time you will usually have been in cycles of therapy and now are incapable of thinking anything without analysing it- digging through the 'hot thought' tracing the 'chain' to the 'result/behaviour' -I know that is the case with me. I wouldn't have so much of a problem with this if I could be sure that my analysis's were correct. But I'm not. I don't have a spell check on my brain and I don't have a window for someone else to peer in and check for me. If I was suddenly endowed with mind reading abilities I wouldn't zoom off to read anyone else's mind- I'd be straight there with a mirror trying to find out what the hell was really going off in my own brain!

Because I am hyper aware of any declines in my social life I have been horrified to find I have ended up cancelling two things with friends this week. One I kind of have an excuse for- last time we met I was really upset by her attitude to me. She shocked me with her harshness and lack of empathy. I left her feeling genuinely hurt and it's still bothering me now. Also it would involve food and if I don't eat what she deems appropriate we will have a repeat of last time and given my feeble emotional state at the moment I chose not to put myself in danger. It wouldn't hurt but I know she can be such great company. We make each other laugh and we've been friends for years. I don't WANT to lose her. Everyone who knows about me cancelling her agrees with my reasons but I am also worried I'd still have be tempted to cancel even all that shit aside.

Anyway, The other friend- I was supposed to be staying at her's tomorrow, the night and then a bit of sunday. I was worrying so much about this the closer it came. Other people keep telling me it is not my weakness so much but my awareness that I will probably end up restricting (definitely no fortisips) because in these situations I have to err on the side of caution and usually this results in big restriction- and this is really not a great idea when I'm still on a sticky wicket it the ED team about my weight. Luckily she understands me fantastically. Of course she is probably pissed off, and has every right to tell me (she hasn't) but instead she didn't have a go just suggested we meet up in the day and rearrange the sleep over.

The reason I am so stressed is because when things like this happen to me it is never just 'a bad week', or 'bad couple of weeks'- no, it is 'ohmygoddd this is the start of the slope towards the bottom. rock bottom'. I think most people who have had depression will empathise in the sense that you no longer have 'bad days' that are written off when the sun goes down, no instead you automatically freak and think it is the depression returning.

CONFUSION! I am so upset and confused because for the first time in my life I am increasing my intake at home- technically taking control, doing things that do not please anorexia, and yet I feel more trapped than every by anorexia. In my head I am still not 'choosing' recovery- I'm 'choosing' not to get sent in to hospital- does this still count as taking charge?

I feel like I am finally being honest with everyone- metaphorically standing on the roof tops shouting 'I am doing this because I hate myself and anorexia is in control and I don't care about my life' and everyone looks up and shouts back 'No! don't be silly! You are doing this because you want to live!' In other words I feel I've finally come clean but people don't want to hear it. That makes me feel even lonelier.

I've started new medication- Venlafaxine. Got it yesterday, and the first thing I check is if it is harmful in overdose. You will be pleased to know it isn't. That thought made me sick. My disregard for my family, my almost childish irresponsibility and more than anything living with this person who is so sure life is no better than death and is forever tempting me with ways to find out... In punishment I'm suffering rather grimbo side effects.

I hope tomorrow is better. In my honest anorexic, black little heart I just hope the number goes back down. I hope people will forgive me and love me even though I've done nothing to deserve it.

What a Jolly old Bean I am today!


  1. I care about you Katie and I am sure your friends love you no matter what... I know I just want you to be happy... believe me, I know that is not easy but attainable to a certain degree :-/

  2. I hate how our eating disorder kills your social life and ruins your relationship with so many people :(
    I also have only a few people whom I can call 'real friends', and I am always living in fear that I might lose them too. I would be lost without my family and friends... but sometimes my eating disorder becomes too strong that it takes over everything, and suddenly it just seems like everything else doesn't matter - even the ones I love...
    Just wanna tell you Katie, that you are a lovely person, and like Launna said, there are people who care about you (like us :) ). Please feel better xx and be strong! <3 xoxo