I had my CPA review today. I knew it wasn't going to be a fine and dandy affair. Even champion bullshitter here fails to pull the wool over people's eyes after a certain point. My mum attends the meetings along with my support worker, ot sort of person and nurse. The dietician and consultant should be there but they are 'too busy' (cant be arsed).
They did a very good job at beginning with 'all the positive leaps I have achieved' and that usual spiel, but as I am a cynic this just struck me as a patronising preliminary to the bombardment of everything else that I am slowly screwing up.
Of course they don't address it as screwing up, to them I am 'struggling', I'm having a 'really tough time', they just want to 'know how can we help you?'
I sit there and what I want to wail in a whiny voice is 'just let me lose weight, pleeeeease mum...I'll keep my clothes clean I promise...cant you just let me lose a little more?' Obviously I don't. Obviously I rub my head and mutter that I just don't know. I reel off all the usual suggestions and evade the question. I stringently oppose more 'supported meals' because this means I'll have to actually EAT. No, I'd take ten thousand bullshitting 'therapy' talky, boring as fuck sessions before I do more actual 'eating therapy'.
I feel exhausted. I'm stuck in a whirlpool I have created and I am running out of energy to fight the drag to the centre. The only thing that is stopping me give up completely is I know what is at the centre-HOSPITAL.
This time they have what I consider to be a ridiculously high cut-off for me being admitted again. I am 0.2 BMI pointy things from that. I have shouted and sworn at everyone who tells me this. How can I make them see that I'd rather step in front of a train instead of walking into a Unit at that BMI. I would be laughed out of the door. Then we have the other major deterrents against IP. Yet ANOTHER break in my existence in the world to explain on my CV, being in the worst kind of prison, they'd MAKE me gain weight, being away from mum, and I really wouldn't blame my friends if this time was the last straw on the camel's back and they just got tired of my stupid games.
My restriction in the past few days has dipped rather steeply. A number of reasons really; realising the high I had partially forgotten I could achieve, the way my other problems shrink in the calorie counting food vacuum, the diminishing numbers and of course simply making sure I could still restrict- making sure I WASN'T getting too reliant on food. And other bits and bobs.
The hardest thing is scraping yourself back after a relapse. Food and amounts that once not only seemed acceptable but even that sometimes seemed 'safe' now appear to be the enemy. I am terrified that I have somehow tripped up my biology and metabolism by this episode of restriction and to return to a more stable eating pattern will make me balloon.
I am in no man's land. I know I cant lose more weight because of the very imminent threat of hospital. Yet the thought of returning to my old intake level makes me sick with worry.
I just want to be the ostrich. Especially if I get skinny legs like one!
Wish me luck on the return journey.
Oh but a little positive- I worked an ice cream from IKEA into my intake today and it was fecking gorgeous, here is the beauty...(and the ice cream hehehe):
Katie I feel for you... I don't even know what say... I've had a rough day.. I wanted to eat and any other number of things to feel better. I did none of them but I cried...
ReplyDeleteI wish you could see the potential I see in you... you have a way with your words that I can feel what you are feeling. You are an awesome writer..
You are absolutely gorgeous, like a pixie.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you dear. The battle between hospital vs eating is a horrible one to fight. It should be such an easy decision, but it never is.
I think there's always the fear of having killed our metabolisms. But our bodies are pretty resilient and clever things like that. At my first appointment with my dietician when I started upping my intake, she told me to "trust my body", that if I gained weight on a ridiculously low amount, there would have to be a medical reason why, which would be looked in to. It helped me a lot to hear that. Lo and behold, my metabolism started to move again, no tests necessary.
Good luck on the return journey dear, one step at a time. We're cheering for you all the way <3
xxxx
I can relate so much Katie, I hate to admit
ReplyDeleteMary mentions inpatient all the time but just as you would rather step in front of a train, I would rather eat my own foot than go
In my mind I am not thin
I've been a lot sicker than this
I just keep having to remind myself that weight is not an indicator of ho sick we are
Even though the professionals seem to use it as a yard stick
Keep hanging in there Katie
Don't let this thing beat you
You are too good for that
Much love x
It is really difficult to recover. I know, I have been recovering from anorexia. I know your feelings very well, but trust me that once you gain some weight, everything will be better. It sounds crazy, everybody wants you to stop counting calories, to stop suffering yourself, to start eating... However, as I found out later, it is only about you. You are the only person to tell yourself "Stop!". It is quite difficult to do that. I wrote a list of things which were good about "not eating" and things that were bad (like all the "+" and "-"). And I found out that the "bad things list" is quite long... "I'm always tired. I lost a lot of friends. I don't take care of myself. My hair is falling all the time..." and so on, and so on. And when came the moment when I actually wanted to stop eating again, I just had a look at my two lists. At first, it is a shock for you and for your body as well. You feel like you'd gain 20 kilograms in one day if you started eating. But the thing is that it is REALLY hard to gain the weight. I have been trying (My lowest weight was about 45 kg), but now my weight is still about 50 kg and even I do eat a lot of food, my weight is still the same. On the other hand, the weight isn't important so much. Since I've started eating and stopped counting calories every minute, I started meeting my friends again. Actually, I started talking to them again. I started taking care of me - you know, using a little make-up, do something with my hair (which is not falling any more),... I started HAVING FUN again. And I thought it was impossible when I started recovering. But it is possible. People keep telling me how I have changed, how happier I look. (Well, there were times when I only cried and so when I started smiling - just a little - people were so happy... They really told me things like "Aren't you smiling? It's impossible! I'm so glad you're smiling.". People also tell me I look much better now. Well, this was difficult at first, because it used to be like "you look better = we can see you've gained some weight already". They didn't mean it, but I thought they did. Now I still sometimes have that feeling, but I also sometimes feel that they are right. When the anorexic me says "Well, this is enough. Stop gaining weight." then the "normal" me has to say "You can't stop gaining weight till your body works properly. Do you want to have children one day?" ...
ReplyDeleteThis is how it feels like. It is not an easy way, but it has a lot of benefits to recover. :)
I wish you best luck,
P.
I relate to every single post that you make so much.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration person and i really admire your true strength and determination. Not just that but youre beautiful. If you ever want someone to talk to who kind of gets it im here. Im happy to give you my number if youd like. Keep smiling xxx