Monday, 20 May 2013

Roll on Wednesday Afternoon

Today is an empty day. Tomorrow is a hideously full day. So much for happy mediums. I'll start with explaining tomorrow because it probably accounts for a lot of today's bad feeling.

Tomorrow (at 8am?!) I have my first trial session at the Homeless charity. I have another one in a different base on wednesday morning so I can't even relax when tomorrow's done with. When I applied for this, months ago, I was desperate for it to happen, to fill up my days and give me purpose. But for one reason and another this desperation has waned to a grudging obligation. There's no chance of me cancelling, I'm not that stupid. I still think that nerves are preferable to feelings of desolate, empty failure. But that doesn't mean I don't face tomorrow with a certain resentment.

Resentment may seem an odd word to describe how I feel. Resentment is usually entailed on someone hating an action or situation imposed upon them by someone or something else. But in a way this is kind of how I feel the situation is heading. Yes, when I applied I wanted it most definitely for myself. But now, the days before, I feel an increasing disassociation to the whole thing. A large part of my not cancelling is my stubborn streak that runs through me like a river. I cannot actually face telling people I wimped out because I care so much (probably far too much) about how others judge me. I want to be seen as a success in everyone else's eyes as much, if not more, than my own. I hate the fact that so much of what I do is motivated by my frenzy to please other people.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot. I've always had to ability to consider the future in a reasonably untainted and honest way. I know that if I did pull out there would most defiantly be a great part of me that was hideously disappointed and resenting of myself. I don't want that. I really do not need another reason to hate myself! Although I always think it's a spiel I churn out for others, there is also a lot of truth in the statement : 'this experience I going to make be a stronger person'. To face your fears does make you stronger, but knowing this oddly doesn't really help the moment.

Oh and after my little trial I have lunch with a new support worker to think about and after that a trip to see my nurse to get weighed; my most favourite thing on the planet....sense the tone!

So yeah, the empty day today. Mum's working all day. Everything around me seems to also know it's supposed to be an empty day and has acted accordingly. The sun, which was glaring splendidly yesterday has vanished. It's gloomy and overcast out. The house is too quiet and still, absent of life. Even the cat had chosen to be elusive. I'm meeting my friend but  not until 6. I was also meeting my sister at 12 but then she rang to say she's ill and wouldn't make it. This upset me and I tried (not very hard and not very convincingly) to reassure her that 'I'd be fine, don't worry, I'll cope' blah blah. Inside I'm really thinking: 'Oh god, I've been thrown more time and I can't juggle what I've already got!' When I put the phone down I felt like the juggler who'd dropped all his batons. I looked at them lying around me, staring at me accusingly then the phone rang again. Yes, clearly my convincings had not been very convincing. I argued half heartedly that she should go back to bed and not worry, but now we're meeting as planned. I'm slightly guilty but relieved. After that I'll wander at snails pace to the location of tomorrow's trial to make sure I know where it is. After that will follow a list of inane and meaningless activities, all designed to munch up time. They'll probably be as effective at 'munching' up the time as an anorexic would be at 'munching' up a big fat chocolate cake. Sigh.

I'm restricting today as well, excuse being that I'm meeting the friend that gets exasperated at me when I order a salad. These are times when I wish I wasn't such a people pleaser. You see, I always end up restricting with the thought that I'll order something different to please her, but as any anorexic will know, even your best intentions, even in the face of such adverse situations, will flop in the face of your ED and the plain salad will mysteriously appear again. I'll compromise. I'll order a chicken salad...the chicken will end up being surreptitiously hidden beneath some left over greens.

I might post again tonight, but other wise I'll update you on the drama tomorrow -Arrivaderci!!

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