Saturday, 18 May 2013

'I want doesn't get'- bullshit!

Routines are essential to me but that doesn't mean I like the fact that they are. Indeed some days I feel as trapped as I ever did when I was in the full throws of an ED, more so in fact. I guess it's kind of a Stockholm Syndrome; I feel my routines own me and I hate them for it, yet I am unable to abandon them.

I want to be an impulsive, exciting, spur of the moment, grab-a-bull-by-the-horns life loving human. I want to  lose control and not know where the hell I'm going and feel the thrill of it. I want to go to bed at night and see the next day as a mystery, instead of scheduling every minute of it in advance to avoid any unknowns.

I want to be one of those people who gets a text or call at 1am asking me to go out and more than anything I want to be the person who says 'well yeah of COURSE I'll be there!' grab a dress, doll myself up and run out the door. Firstly I'd like to BE that kind of person so people bother to text me in the first place. 

I'm sick of being predictable. I don't want to be known and taken for granted. I want to be wild and unpredictable like a tornado. I want to have exciting stories to tell people. I want to shock people and not just with how much my bones stick out or how little I eat or how tiny my thighs are.

I want to think 'fuck it!' and dye my hair bubble gum pink. I want to walk around without my hood up and head lowered and instead hold my pink Candyfloss head high. I want to see a nice guy and give him a smile instead of a look of hopelessness. I want my eyes to shine wide with the zest of life and not be darting around like a nervous rabbit.

I don't want the people at starbucks to PREdict my order! I want to go in and order the biggest, sweetest, most decadently cream topped, syrup drizzled thing on the menu and be god damn pleased about it instead of totting up the calories in it as I wait. More than that; I want to BE the most decadently cream topped, syrup drizzled thing on the menu!

I want to laugh again, I mean really laugh; feel it bubbling in my tummy and bursting out my lips, not a forced laugh that feels like nothing. I want to bob when I walk like I'm brimming with optimism, not scurrying around like I'm trying to get out from the black cloud, or plodding along because there's nothing in my life to rush to.

Most importantly I want to feel LOVED while all this is happening. Loved by others and Loved by ME. I want to live life not dread it. 

If I find the key to all this, I SWEAR I'll let you all know!

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